How I Became The Sober S3xpert
How I Became The Sober S3xpert
And how you can become an expert on the internet without imposter syndrome
I’m Tawny, an advice columnist better known as “The Sober Sexpert” and author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. I’m here to empower you to find your *intrinsic* courage without booze—regardless of your relationship status—one date at a time.
One of the most common questions I get on podcasts and my book tour is, “How did you become The Sober Sexpert?” In 2019, Ruby Warrington jokingly dubbed me The Sober Sexpert when we recorded a live podcast episode about sober sex and dating in Brooklyn. But it all really began after I got sober in November 2015 and crafted my expertise organically while navigating sober sex and dating on my own—and started to investigate that intersection as a journalist.
If you’re interested in becoming The Expert for your own topic of interest, this post is for you.
Full disclosure: this is not a Get Rich Quick piece. If anything, it’s a how-to-be-broke-for-a-long-ass-time-but-have-fun-professionally-and-creatively piece. This essay explains how I got the nickname, how I earned the nickname, and how being The Sober Sexpert helped me find my voice as a writer, speaker, land brand partnerships (gotta get that $$$), and finally get a book deal.
Unfortunately, this is a long game. As I’ve stated in a recent issue of this newsletter, I’m broke. But the ball is rolling in the right direction. I’m finally seeing a light at the end of the Starving Artist Tunnel.
Yes, I might be The Sober Sexpert who’s done a ton of research on a very specific niche, but I still don’t know all of the answers. If anything, I just have more questions.
Avoid the Snake Oil of the Internet
The internet is full of “experts” and “gurus” who promise to CHANGE YOUR LIFE!! Or claim to help you LOSE 10 POUNDS IN FIVE MINUTES!! Or promise you can EARN SIX FIGURES after buying their $10,000 course. But as thousands of disappointed people will tell you, much of this is just the modern version of snake oil.
If any self-proclaimed guru or expert tells you they have The Answer… walk away immediately.
As I said earlier, I’m not claiming to have all the answers or even one answer. I want people to read my work and then ask more questions. I want my work to inspire critical thinking.
Ask yourself why you feel a certain way about a certain thing.
Ask your loved ones why they feel differently about that certain thing.
Ask your congressperson why they got into politics.
Ask your therapist where they think your tendency for people-pleasing comes from.
I’ve spent my fair share of money on those Help Me Now courses, so I know the bullshit that people try to sell you. Sadly, the expert/guru/coaching world is unregulated, and there are a lot of scumbags out there trying to make a quick buck. I’m not trying to sell you anything. OK, I’d honestly love it if you bought my book, but that’s the only thing I’m selling. OK, maybe also my drink. OK, I’m done, I swear!!!
Nothing in any respectable industry happens fast or overnight. If you’re looking to make a quick buck, I recommend waiting tables or bartending, and I rarely recommend the exploitive customer service industry to anyone, but bartending and waiting tables is the only way I’ve been able to make cash money quickly.
Now, if your goal is to develop your expertise and be known for being the person to go to on that topic (like how my editor
is working on being the go-to expert about ), then read on to learn how I worked my ass off to become The Sober Sexpert—and how you can become an expert, too.Keep reading to learn:
How to identify your existing area of expertise
How to pick One Topic to focus on
How to expand on said topic so you don’t get bored
How to tell imposter syndrome to fuck off
How to collaborate with others who have the same topic of interest
How to feel confident when speaking on your topic
Funny gifs
Know What You Offer
If you’re thinking, “Who am I to be an expert on anything?!” that’s totally fair, but I promise you’re already an authority on something. Think about the friends, colleagues, and family that already come to you for information.
To figure out what your something is, consider: What do people ask you to help them with? Web design? Investment advice? Synthesizers? Parenting? Mental health resources? Vintage cars? This is your topic of expertise. You probably have multiple boxes to check, but for the sake of sanity… pick one for now.
And remember: “one” topic can also mean the intersection of topics, like how I write about dating, sex, and relationships through the lens of someone who is sober. Sobriety + relationships = my one topic.
Yes, Seriously, Pick One Topic
We all contain multitudes. It takes a great deal of work to make yourself known as the expert on something. It’s hard (ahem… impossible?!?!) to divide yourself into multiple beings with fine-tuned expertise on multiple things at once.
For example, I know a lot about opioid abuse from personal experience, and I have many other friends in recovery from opioid abuse. Though I’m in recovery from many substances and behaviors, I haven’t spent 8+ researching opioid addiction, so I wouldn’t feel comfortable identifying myself as an expert on opioid addiction. I haven’t reported on or heavily researched opioids. It takes more than just lived experience to be an expert on something. (Read that last sentence again!)
I thought I knew the subject for my second book, but my current book tour is teaching me that maybe I don't want to talk about Book Two Topic THIS MUCH. Focus on one thing at a time and be patient with that thing. Remember, we’re not doing anything quick here.
Expand on That Topic
Struggling with the “pick one topic” suggestion? I thought so. Yes, I’m The Sober Sexpert who speaks/writes about alcohol-free dating and relationships, but that’s an umbrella term that means I can also discuss all the things that intersect and are even remotely relevant to my one topic:
other interpersonal relationships (friendships, family dynamics, colleagues)
substance abuse recovery
active substance abuse
Eating disorders/body dysmorphia
mental health
self-advocacy
sexuality
pleasure
feminism
sex education
queerness
clear communication
gender identity
NYC life
boundary setting
liquid courage
book publishing
book proposals
Substack
You get the idea. The more you work with Your Topic, the easier it will be to zoom out so you can see its nuances.
Commit to the Bit, Then Ditch Imposter Syndrome
Being an expert on a topic means you’ll be talking/podcasting/writing/posting about this topic ad nauseam. I wrote about sober sex and dating for SIX YEARS before I got a book deal about my topic. Make sure your topic is something you’ll want to talk about over and over for a long-ass time. Bonus points if your topic has zeitgeist appeal.
Take classes, read books, subscribe to newsletters, and listen to podcasts to help you learn more about yourself and your one topic. When I feel stuck or burned out on my topic, I read an article that speaks to any of the aforementioned terms that intersect with my topic. (For example, I can search for something new to learn about how queer identity and who you want to date changes after getting sober.) I usually find something that I strongly agree with or something I strongly disagree with. Then I take that fire to an open Google Doc and start typing.
But remember: it takes years before you might be able to share something on your topic as quickly as I can these days—and my own confidence didn’t appear overnight.
Before I fully embraced my professional moniker, I had a lot of imposter syndrome. Who am I to be an expert on anything?! I wondered. My now-husband kindly reminded me, “Nobody has read the collection of books you’ve read. You dug really deep to learn about sobriety and sex. Your work is like a hallway of oddities and fun facts about liquid courage and relationships.” My imposter syndrome fades with every new paid assignment, speaking gig, podcast invitation, and new paid subscriber (THANK YOU!). People book me for a specific reason: to talk about sober sex, dating, and relationships. As Queen Shonda Rhimes said in this 2018 Allure interview on imposter syndrome, “The very act of being in the room means you belong in that room. And anybody telling you don't belong in the room, they should get out.”
Don’t Feel Threatened by Competition
There are lots of people who write/talk/pontificate about your topic; this is a good thing. Don’t see them as competition. Instead, see them as colleagues and collaborators you haven’t met yet. Instead of feeling threatened that someone else is discussing “my topic,” I choose to follow and support their work.
Work together to help get your collective message out there. I’ve collaborated with other sober (curious) writers and creatives for years. It’s OK if you’re not the only one writing about your topic. It’s actually preferred because that shows how important your topic is. The more people writing about your topic can show publishers that this idea is worth writing a book about (if that’s your goal).
Shout out to Cindy Roberts and Eve Milford, who also write about sober sex, intimacy, and relationships. I hope even MORE sober sexperts come up through the pipeline. When more nuanced and diverse voices talk about the same issues through different perspectives means that change can actually happen. Check out this episode of Eve’s podcast, where we talk about focusing on the same One Topic while also supporting each other’s work.
Find Your Topic’s Crew
I attend literary events, sober events, and sex educator events both IRL and virtual to stay involved with my community. Are you trying to be the go-to person for queer mixology? Chat with other queer mixologists! Are you passionate about raising awareness for adult autism diagnosis? Find other advocates and support their work! Host meet-ups. Attend meet-ups. Promote others’ work, and they’ll promote yours. Having a skill can only get you so far; people need to know you have this skill/knowledge. I wouldn’t have a published book if other authors, activists, journalists, and podcasters weren’t promoting my work and believing in me along the way—and visa versa.
Step Into Your Confidence About Your Expertise
Even with everything you know and continue to learn about your topic, you’ll never have all the answers—especially since human knowledge only continues to expand. I always give a disclaimer about being “The Sober Sexpert,” which clearly states the type of expertise I bring to the table. While I’m not a mental health professional, an addiction counselor, or a sex educator, I have decades of personal experience with substance use disorder—both active in my addiction and in recovery from my addiction.
As I mentioned earlier, I felt a lot of imposter syndrome around being called an expert on anything when I didn’t have a college degree in it. But let’s be real here: it takes a great deal of confidence (or delusion?) to make it in this world. You have to honestly believe that you are the person for the job. Instead of focusing on what I’m NOT (and letting my insecurities hold me back), I focus on what I AM: a bisexual woman in recovery from substance use disorder. I’m also a journalist who has the skills to thoroughly research my topic and a writer who has the experience and willingness to share that information.
Even with everything I know and continue to learn about alcohol-free dating and relationships, I sometimes get questions I am not at all qualified to answer. That’s why I always request to have a mental health professional either on panels in which I speak or I provide mental health resources to the audience so they can seek additional help. Remember when I said not to feel threatened by other types of experts??
Any good expert knows they’re not the expert on everything.
I hope this piece helped you shine a light on some of the expertise that you already have and then gave you some insight on how to sharpen those skills to hone in on your niche.
What’s your One Topic? How do you deal with imposter syndrome? How have you collaborated with like-minded folks? Comment below!
Happy Humping,
P.S. This issue was edited by