How I pushed past rejection to become a published author
countless editors passed on my pieces on sober sex and dating
The world of sober dating has evolved quite a bit since I began reporting on it in 2016. There are now countless sober dating apps, NA drink options, and, more importantly, gatekeepers finally see value in publishing sober dating content on mainstream magazines and news sites. But it wasn’t always this way. There were years of repeated rejections before my book, Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze, was published.
As I teach in my classes (linked at the end of this newsletter), magazine and news editors look for SEO-friendly pieces tied to zeitgeist topics. Sober sex and dating just weren’t zeitgeist when I pitched them. Thankfully, a few editors took a chance on me and my topic.
Below you’ll see how I pushed past rejection because I knew my topic was important. You’ll also meet some people keeping the sober dating convo going.
Rejection is Part of the Writing Process
My work on sober sex and dating has been (and still gets!) rejected. A lot. Dozens (and dozens!) of editors passed on my freelance writing and book proposal.
In 2019, Vice accepted my pitch about normalizing sex work. I wrote about how some of the biggest names in adult entertainment are sober and thriving. Then, my Vice editor asked me for a full rewrite that catered to a salacious, clickbait storyline that was the antithesis of my original thesis. I took the kill fee, cried a lot, and then, years later, applied that research to my book.
I can’t even imagine the hills that author Jennifer Matesa climbed before publishing her 2016 book, Sex in Recovery: A Meeting Between the Sheets. Matesa is a trailblazer in the sober sex conversation.
In 2023, I pitched my idea for a sober dating column to countless editors, only to be met with rejection after rejection. That repeated rejection led me to start my own sober dating column right here on Substack as part of my book’s preorder campaign.
There are some editors who did take a risk in publishing my research on sober sex and dating.
published many of my essays on the now-archived recovery site, The Temper. Jordyn Taylor published this profile I wrote about the award-winning porn star, Seth Gamble, in Men’s Health. Jordyn also profiled my husband and I here.THANK YOU, IRINA AND JORDYN!!! Those bylines helped me land my dream agent,
, who believed in me and my editor, Jess Zimmerman, who advocated for my book during acquisition meetings.A Little Help From My Friends
Now, more people are talking, writing, and podcasting about dry dating and sober sex. The more we normalize alcohol-free dating, stigma loses its power over us. The subject I held so close to my heart for years is now becoming mainstream. I couldn’t be happier!
Here are some incredible humans who keep the sober sex and dating convo going:
Hilary Sheinbaum’s Ted Talk on Dry Dating
What can’t Hilary Sheinbaum do? She just published her third book, she hosts dry events, and she’s now an official TEDx speaker. Click the video above to watch her TED Talk about dry dating. She also wrote this piece about Dry Dating for the New York Times.
Sam Bail’s NYC Singles Events and Dating Essays
Zachary Zane Interviews Drag Race Icon
Ginny Hogan’s Comedic Approach to Sobriety
She’s the author of three books:
I'm More Dateable than a Plate of Refried Beans And Other Romantic Observations
Sex for Lazy People: 50 Effortless Positions So You Can Do It Without Overdoing It
Toxic Femininity in the Workplace: Office Gender Politics Are a Battlefield.
Treena Orchard: Your New Fave Sexual Anthropologist
I blurbed this book because it’s so good! Dr. Treena Orchard’s memoir documents her rite of passage from dating app novice to savvy swipemaster and explains how these platforms are impacting sex, romance, and communication in the 21st century. Using her insights as an anthropologist who studies sexuality and a sex-positive feminist eager for new experiences, Sticky, Sexy, Sad exposes the informational and emotional circuitry of dating apps in a unique way that will excite readers.
Upcoming Classes
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✍🏽Writing Goals Workshop Dec 5th. Sign up here.
XO,
Tawny
Photo by Gabrielle Lenhard
Tawny, as I tell you all the time but probably still not enough, you’re by far one of my favorite writers that I’ve ever worked with. I’m SO glad we got to work together on your incredible writing for The Temper, and later your book proposal. As you said yourself: Rejection is part of the process! But I’m thrilled to be one of the genius editors who didn’t pass up the chance to feature your writing. XOXOXO
Y’all are pioneers! And since I’ve been sober as long as I’ve been dating and dating as long as I’ve been sober, I know a thing or two about sober sex and dating. Add an extra layer of being HSV2 positive and it’s a double whammy — or an opportunity for education :)