How to Build Confidence Without Booze

3 Ways to build *real* courage instead of relying on liquid courage

Happy Hump Day! I’m Tawny, an advice columnist better known as “The Sober Sexpert” and author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. I’m here to empower you to find your *intrinsic* courage without booze—regardless of your relationship status—one date at a time.

---

Dear Tawny, 

I’ve relied on liquid courage for what feels like my entire life. I’ve used alcohol to give me the courage to meet new people at networking events, to feel more comfortable at a friend’s party where I didn’t know many people, and to go on dates, of course. 

I think I’m finally ready to step away from liquid courage and embrace real courage, as you often say. But as someone who’s never done it before, I have to ask: What are some ways to cultivate sober courage? And, especially, for someone like me who has some serious social anxiety I deal with also? 

- Courage Curious

Hey there, Courage Curious! This is such an important question, especially as we transition to the season of holiday parties and stressful family gatherings. Relying on liquid courage to “power through” these interactions might seem like an easy option, but the alcohol essentially just acts as an emotional bandaid instead of solving any actual problems. It sounds like you want to get to the root issue of what’s causing your insecurities and learn how to cultivate genuine confidence. You came to the right place!

I don’t know if I coined the term “intrinsic courage,” but I say it a lot in my new book, during live book events, and on my podcast. While living my life without booze since Nov. 30th, 2015, and later researching my book, I realized how pervasive the concept of liquid courage is. 

People are obsessed with a quick fix. I’m sorry to report that just like get-rich-quick programs don’t work, neither does the get-confident-fast approach. You have to put in The Work if you want to succeed at anything… including dating.

Liquid Courage seems to be everywhere: TV, films, dates, in the bedroom, nights out with friends, and more. The idea is that people “need” a little boost of confidence to complete fill-in-the-blank emotionally difficult tasks that are in front of them or even just to have some fun. 

Want to ask out that cutie at the bar? Take a shot to channel some fleeting bravado!

Want to ask for something new in the bedroom? Have a glass of wine to calm your nerves!

Feeling awkward at a family dinner or corporate event? Hit up the bar for some social lubrication!

Sure, alcohol might “work” to calm your nerves because it’s a central nervous system depressant (something else I explored in my book), but you’re not actually building confidence. If anything, outsourcing your confidence to alcohol does your own self-esteem a disservice.

Keep Reading For

• Expert advice from your favorite IG therapist, Amanda E. White

• Tips to connect with your intrinsic courage

• Confidence hacks to replace liquid courage

• Book and podcast resources for further reading and exploration

• Song recommendation

Not only are you missing out on countless ways to build self-confidence, but you’re also hindering your ability to grow emotionally. You grow by doing challenging things, not by being drunk or buzzed to get through the tough stuff. As Amanda E. White, a millennial therapist and the author of Not Drinking Tonight: A Guide to Creating a Sober Life You Love, told me, “Confidence comes from knowing things are hard and doing them anyway. Then you feel better, and then you can do it again.” 

The following prompts are based on Amanda’s stellar advice. I wrote them to help you connect with your intrinsic courage so you no longer need to rely on liquid courage.