Life Stuff: Grief, Digital Overwhelm, and Microdosing
Plus, the art I'm consuming to stay (relatively) sane in this insane world
Welcome! I’m Tawny, an advice columnist better known as “The Sober Sexpert” and author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. I’m here to empower you to find your *intrinsic* courage without booze—regardless of your relationship status—one date at a time.
There’s a scene in Ozark where Jason Bateman’s on-screen wife asks where he was for the last few hours. “Life Stuff,” he replies vaguely. Ozark is a show about money laundering, drug smuggling, and dysfunctional families. The characters are always up to sketchy stuff that’s seemingly better left unsaid. Nick and I loved the term “Life Stuff” so much that we now use it regularly.
When I ask him what he’s doing on his computer
Me: What are you working on?
Nick: Life Stuff
When he asks about my plans
Nick: What are you up to today?
Me: Life Stuff
When I’m laying in bed, crying while watching Real Housewives
Nick: What’s wrong?
Me: Life Stuff
We always laugh when using this new term, bringing levity to our life of extreme busyness. It also reminds me that Life Stuff on Ozark usually means waterboarding or hiding a body, which puts our day-to-day Life Stuff into perspective. Building our lives together as newlyweds, launching a drink, and promoting a book is a truly incredible experience. We’re also exhausted, stressed, anxious, and broke.
I don’t know how to promote my book in an interview without acknowledging the horrific events in Israel or yet another mass shooting. Then I remember that this Life Stuff is what made me drink in the first place. Now, after nearly 8-years alcohol-free, I have healthier coping mechanisms and forms of escapism.
Sometimes, I feel guilty for relaxing when there is so much horror going on worldwide. I tell myself I should do more, work more, earn more, save more, give more, create more, be more. But as my yoga teacher, Emma Poole, reminded me yesterday, “You deserve rest. Your future deserves a better, more grounded, positive Tawny.”
If sobriety teaches me anything, it’s that I can only control myself and how I react to the world. If I genuinely want to create resources that help people, I have to fucking rest. Below is a list of the current ways I’m escaping. It’s no surprise that everything on this list is art. Beautiful, beautiful art.
#UGLYCRY: grief hits different now
Sometimes Life Stuff includes Grief Stuff. Katie Mack, my dear friend, fellow sober creative, and witness in my wedding, has a brand new Off-Broadway show about grief running through Nov 18th. #UGLYCRY is unlike any show you’ve seen because you’re low-key required to use your phone to participate in real-time with Mack as she performs this groundbreaking one-woman show. #UGLYCRY exists at the intersections of social media, grieving in the digital age, AI, and… bikini waxes, all while Mack’s running on a treadmill. She literally runs 6.5 miles during each show!
My other grief bestie and fellow debut author, Gina Moffa, LCSW, and I met on Instagram a few months ago when I lost several friends my age who died by suicide or drug/alcohol poisoning. The grief was palpable, but so was my increasing rage at the fact that these people just needed help, and for some reason, they couldn’t find what they needed. I’m a mental health advocate because we’re in a mental health crisis and suicide epidemic. As a typical millennial, I went to #grief on Instagram in search of grief resources, which led me to Gina’s page. I also reached out to 988 for free text-based mental health support.
I’m so excited to interview both Mack and Gina on November 12! Gina and I will each be signing and selling our books, too. This convo follows a live performance of Mack’s one-woman show, #UGLYCRY. Buy tickets here. Discount code mack23 gets you $10 tickets!
Raising Hell, Living Well
Then, in 2017 and 2018, I ran a quarterly reading series called Readings on Recovery. I went to lots of literary events here in New York, so I was inspired to do my own recovery-themed series. Jess read an essay about technology at one of my events over five years ago (what is time?!?!).
Her new book, Raising Hell, Living Well examines the role of influence in today’s society. While works like influencer and thought leader are relatively new, the concept of influence is, well, vintage. If you’re feeling burned out by screens, digital Life Stuff, and the 24-hour news cycle, and are eager to fall in love with life IRL again, check out Jess’s brilliant book.
Khruangbin N Colorin’
Working for myself has many perks, but one big downside is working a job where I never fully clock out. When my chronic anxiety has me feeling strung out, I like to Khruang out (Sorry, I had to!). I eat a gummy, grab my coloring books, and listen to Khruangbin (Learn more about my microdosing journey here).
There’s something about this newfound multi-sensory nightly routine that helps me chill the fuck out. The gummy relaxes my brain, reminding me that stress is just Life Stuff. The coloring gives my hands something to do without scrolling on my phone. The chill vibes of Khruangbin quiet the hamster wheel that’s still spinning even though the hamster has gone to sleep.
Finding new music usually leads me to learn every trivia fact about them. I need to know the names of the band members, where they’re from, and who influenced them. I’m happy to say that I don't know anything about Khruangbin other than the fact that their music helps me relax. And I think they’re from Texas?!
How do you distract yourself from Life Stuff? What type of art helps you chill the fuck out?
Happy Humping,
Thank you so much for the love my love!!!