The Pub Where I Had My Last Drink
A love letter to SoHo
Welcome! I’m Tawny, an advice columnist better known as “The Sober Sexpert” and author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. I’m here to empower you to find your *intrinsic* courage without booze—regardless of your relationship status—one date at a time.
I’m 36 days from book launch day, so a lot of my social life right now includes networking with other authors, sober entrepreneurs, and of course, adult toy brands. I recently attended the launch of a new sex toy at a trendy new sex toy shop in SoHo. I don’t get downtown much these days, so an event in SoHo was an excellent excuse for a much-needed date night with my beloved.
Before we dive into this essay, here are a few quick updates:
I’m on Dan Savage’s iconic show, Savage Lovecast, this week! Submit questions about sober sex and dating for us to answer here.
The Dry Humping preorder incentives just dropped! Submit a screenshot of your preorder receipt here to receive a digital Dry Humping Starter Guide and a signed bookplate (see below photo)! Visit the preorder page for more info.
Keep reading to see a personal example of NYC sober dating after nearly five years as a couple and 14 collective years of sobriety.
Back to your regularly scheduled programming…
We stopped by the sex toy party, and as soon as we walked in, we felt incredibly old. This was clearly a Gen Z party that two tired, crusty Millennials just crashed. Nick and I looked at each other, and I said, “We won’t be here long. I promise.” He nodded, then got us some drinks. I found the brand rep who invited me and introduced myself, then Nick and I quickly escaped through a crowd of 20-somethings wearing leis around their necks while filming TikToks.
But of course, once we landed safely on Crosby Street, I asked Nick to take some pics and videos of me to use on TikTok later (maybe I am cool??). What can I say? It’s easy to lean in when you have a supportive partner!
We had time to kill before our dinner reservation, so we wandered through McNally Jackson’s new location. There’s a line in Almost Famous where Penny Lane talks about going to the record store to browse the bins of records, feeling comforted that she’s with her friends. I’ve always related to that line as someone who grew up close to music. As far as I’m concerned, Jim Morrison, Robert Plant, and Stevie Nicks are my friends. Analyzing their song lyrics taught me how to write my own words.
I now think of that Penny Lane line when I’m at bookstores, visiting the titles that my actual friends wrote. I didn’t know that writing a book and living in NYC would connect me with so many other authors in NYC, but apparently, that’s how it works. Nick and I visited the self-help/relationships section, where Dry Humping will likely live in just a few weeks. I felt safe there. I’m so close to seeing my book on bookshelves that I can practically taste it.
Nick and I have an understanding when we go downtown: I’m the tour guide, and he follows. He’s an uptown boy, having always worked and lived uptown. I’m the downtown girl because I worked in SoHo for 5+ years. Nick doesn’t do well once we get below 14th Street, where the streets don’t always have numbers and weirdly intersect with each other. I’m used to that weirdness, hence my role as downtown GPS girlfriend. Only this time, I got us turned around, repeating a block. “I’m too old to go to a sex toy party, and I no longer know SoHo like the back of my hand. Who am I?!” I asked Nick rhetorically. We both laughed as we finally found our way to dinner.
SoHo is one of my favorite New York City neighborhoods because it’s the fashion mecca of this little island. The clothes, shoes, accessories, and hairstyles you see on the streets of SoHo today will be the global fashion trends in a few years. I never cared about fashion until I spent so much time in SoHo.
I thought fashion was the silly, overpriced designer clothing we see on the runways but nowhere else. OK, yes, it’s definitely those things, but that’s actually such a small part of the fashion world. Now I see that fashion is also an artistic form of self-expression. Working in SoHo showed me that while there may be fashion trends, there are no fundamental fashion rules. You're fashionable as long as you feel good in what you wear. That realization made fashion feel more approachable to me.
SoHo is also where I found community, friends, and as corny as it sounds, it’s where I found myself after relocating from Texas in 2015. The friends I made while working retail in SoHo have moved on, too. Some had children, some are on Broadway, some are big in Hollywood, some worked their way up to store manager or corporate level-bad assery, some went back to school or moved back to their home state.
I quit working in SoHo during the pandemic because my day job let me shift to work from home. That pivot also helped me focus on finally writing my damn book. My old store is no longer there, but the vibe is still strong. I even saw the same dog walker walking the same dogs. Some things change, but others stay the exact same.
Our dinner reservation was directly across the street from Fanelli’s, a historic SoHo pub. I have a little bit of my own history in this pub: it’s the place I had my last drink on November 29th, 2015. That historic night at Fanelli’s changed everything for me. I sat with friends, commiserating over not having enough time to write while we drank pints of beer. I only had a few beers, a pretty light night for me. But something shifted in me when I left Fanelli’s that night, walking to my train. I realized that I chose to spend four hours in a pub, talking about how I don’t have time to write.
It finally clicked. Maybe alcohol’s the hurdle that I keep putting in the way of my creativity! I thought as I walked to my train. Spoiler alert: I was right. My life, relationships, creativity, and writing career have shifted dramatically since that night. I wrote this essay about my Fanelli’s farewell for Writer’s Digest. Now, my book about sober dating and relationships comes out just two months shy of my 8th SoBerthday.
Nick and I sat on the sidewalk of Lure Fishbar, a delicious, trendy seafood restaurant across the street from Fanelli’s. While staring at my past, reflecting on who I used to be while being who I am now, a woman who shares clams and sushi with her partner of nearly five years, talking about our puppy and the maddening stress of being entrepreneurs in New York City.
Someone sat a few tables away from us who looked familiar. I scrolled through my mental Rolodex of rock star trivia until I found the needed file. “I think the lead singer of Spoon just sat down over there,” I told Nick. We did a quick Google search, casually looked at the table, then confirmed my suspicion. I texted Lisa, my podcast co-host and fellow rock n roll aficionado, “Britt Daniel is sitting a few tables away from us in SoHo,” then returned to the clams.
Nick and I discussed how modern artists pivot during their careers while others stay the same. I haven’t liked a Lady Gaga album since Joanne, the album she wrote for her deceased aunt, whom she never met. I often feel frustrated by Gaga’s second act: Chromatica, a makeup line, Hollywood, and… the Top Gun soundtrack (why?!?) I miss my gritty Gaga! But on the other hand, I’m also annoyed when artists like Lana Del Rey stay the exact same (and yes, before the Lana fans come for me, I know about her Lizzie Grant era).
Nick told me about how classical composers evolved over their careers. Our date night fodder is often me analyzing modern music while Nick talks about music from centuries ago. No wonder we don’t fit in at Gen Z sex toy parties. Maybe that’s OK because we fit in with each other, one date at a time.
My next essay is all about recording my audiobook! I had such a great time in a midtown recording studio over three days. I can’t wait to share the details with y’all!
The magical moment we realize that the thing we thought was helping us was always holding us back. Loved this read Tawny, love the important moments of reflections that lead to a moment of incredible presence. Also, who is Spoon? :) xo
Great to hear from my former yoga enthusiast. Forever grateful you introduced to the hot experience. Your writing is fantastic. Keep up the good work!