Sober Seggs & Pegg!ng
Dan Savage answered an early sobriety question about pegging. I weigh in with the sobriety perspective.
Happy Hump Day! I’m Tawny, an advice columnist better known as “The Sober Sexpert” and author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. I’m here to empower you to find your *intrinsic* courage without booze—regardless of your relationship status—one date at a time.
This issue’s a little bit different for two reasons:
I answer a question from Dan Savage’s popular podcast, Savage Love, instead of a reader-submitted question.
Content Warning: This issue discusses cannabis use while in recovery. If this topic feels triggering to you, please skip this issue. Instead, catch up on previous issues or take a break from your phone altogether.
Hi Dan,
I’m a 39-year-old bisexual female. I’ve been with my amazing husband for 5 years. And I love to peg him. He really enjoys it too. But there’s been a glitch.
My husband is an alcoholic and six months ago, he gave up alcohol—and I’m SO proud of him. I’ve also given up alcohol so we’ve both six months alcohol-free, which has been amazing for many reasons. Except that, now that he doesn’t have his lowered inhibitions, he hasn’t felt comfortable getting pegged. So he hasn’t felt open to it yet. So it’s been six months without me being able to experience this with him.
I know that he has really enjoyed and loved me playing with his ass and pegging his ass, but now he said that he just doesn’t feel comfortable without that extra factor (alcohol). He’s already a pothead so I can’t just say, “Oh, let’s smoke some weed and relax.” He’s already doing that all the time anyway.
So I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how to make him more comfortable exploring his ass together again totally sober.
First things first, Dan did an A+ job answering this question! I’m just here to add The Sober Sexpert cherry to the top of Dan’s already stellar advice.
One thing to note before we get started: Many of his listeners (and my readers!) might wonder why the advice asker describes their partner as sober while they’re also saying he’s a pothead. As Dan says, sobriety is a spectrum. If you’re reading this and thinking WHAT?!?!, please keep in mind that people use substances differently and, well, substance ARE different! It’s not up to any one of us to judge or define this couple’s cannabis use while she’s vulnerably asking for help and acknowledging the role that liquid courage played in their sex life.
A friend sent me the link to this episode of Dan’s podcast because this question is so very me. I mean, his listener asked about liquid courage, and this weekly column is called Beyond Liquid Courage. And they talk about pegging, a topic that I wrote about for Playboy in 2019. So naturally, as a sober person who’s into pegging, I had a few things to add to Dan’s excellent advice.
It’s Only Been Six Months
Dan said it perfectly: it’s only been six months without booze. A friend recently described early sobriety as “shedding my old self,” and I found that to be such an apt description. Since Dan’s listener is also alcohol-free in solidarity with her hubby, now is a great time to unpack this “shedding” feeling. Maybe y’all discuss this in therapy—both individually and as a unit—or at least unpack the emotional or sexual discomfort that early sobriety brings up for y’all.
It sounds like he’s openly discussing how he relied on lowered inhibitions from alcohol to get into certain sexual acts. Let him sit with that feeling for a bit and remind him that you’re there for him if he needs support. As Dan says, going back to anal play 101 can be helpful for both of you! Dan’s got some great tips on this, and here’s mine: Maybe y’all can watch pegging porn or even talk about what you both enjoy about pegging. This dialogue may also help him discover why he relied on liquid courage so much in the first place.
Yes, Cali Sober is a Thing
As we discussed earlier, sometimes people quit drinking alcohol but still smoke weed. I also want to explicitly state that I don’t recommend replacing booze with weed. Relying on a substance for confidence defeats the whole point of cultivating what I call intrinsic courage, something I address frequently in my book.
After five years of sobriety, I began microdosing cannabis to help with my anxiety. I regularly check in with a cannabis doctor (yes, that’s also a thing!), my primary care doctor, and my therapist about my microdosing habits because MY RECOVERY HAS TO BE #1 PRIORITY AT ALL TIMES or my life will quite literally fall apart. A recent episode of Recovery Rocks, the podcast that I co-host with Lisa Smith, covers this topic in depth.
Watch my quick video explainer of the California Sober trend.
Does Cannabis Impact Your Sex Life?
The reason I bring all of this up is that studies show how mindful cannabis use can improve sexual dysfunction, assist with folks experiencing sexual PTSD, and honestly just help someone relax—especially when it comes to pegging!
“I was completely sober for two years, and then I started using cannabis medicinally for PTSD from being raped,” Sophie St. Thomas, the author of Finding Your Higher Self and Weed Witch, shared with me. “Cannabis lets me relax and eventually find joy in sex again.” The relaxation she mentions isn’t just a state of mind; it’s science. Your body produces its own cannabinoids, which serve a number of roles, including regulating emotion and helping the brain let go of learned trauma responses. External cannabinoids, used responsibly, can have similar effects.
I share all of this to destigmatize cannabis in recovery. But again, I do not recommend simply replacing your drinking habits with bong rips, taking edibles, or any other form of cannabis. I do recommend talking with a mental health professional or a cannabis doctor (if it’s legal in your state!) if your sobriety has you feeling canna-curious.
What’s Next for This Couple?
To sum up, here’s what I would add to Dan Savage’s advice:
Dig into the world of Herbal Aphrodisiacs (something I explore in a whole chapter of my book!) like Damiana and Schisandra Berry!
Be patient with your beloved. Six months is *very* short time to be sober. You’re already doing so much by giving up booze with him! If he has any emotional outbursts or moments of overwhelm, remind him to take life one day at a time (or one hour at a time!).
Take him to his favorite restaurant or snuggle on the couch to watch his favorite movie, reminding him that sober life can still be fun and that you love him dearly.
As for the ass play, As Dan said, scale back to 101-level butt-stuff right now, if at all. Your partner will tell you when (and if!) he’s ready for pegging again.
Until next Hump Day,
P.S. This issue was edited by Irina Gonzalez, and the artwork is by Anne Porter.
