Why I Didn't Write a Memoir
Plus an exclusive preview of my book’s table of contents
Welcome! I’m Tawny, an advice columnist better known as “The Sober Sexpert” and author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. I’m here to empower you to find your *intrinsic* courage without booze—regardless of your relationship status—one date at a time.
You can now submit questions for future issues here. Can’t wait to hear from you!
This issue covers:
Why Dry Humping isn’t a Memoir
The cringe-worthy rejection I got from a literary agent
First-ever sneak peek of Dry Humping’s table of contents and cheat sheet for modern sobriety & sexuality lingo
Links to recently read articles & essays about mental health and relationships
When I first got my book deal, I asked my editor and publishing team when the marketing and PR gets really busy. “Six to eight weeks from the publication date,” they said. “This is when we see the most preorders and buzz on social media and press.” I’m an extremely-online extrovert with a business degree and lots of marketing experience, so I’m a weirdo writer who actually likes the promotional part of the publishing process. Some writers want to write the book and then return back into their cave (rightfully so because this stage of the publishing process is very overwhelming). While I definitely love hanging out in my cave, I also love promoting my paper baby—the term of endearment I use for my 200-page labor of love.
I’m officially eight weeks from pub day, nearly two years after beginning my book publishing journey. Most of my days are now spent answering emails, scheduling launch events, being interviewed on podcasts and for newsletters, and napping. Lots and lots of napping. (Reminder: self-care is not self-indulgence!) And, if I’m being honest, lots of crying. Turns out that having my dreams come true fires up the engine of the good ol’ emotional rollercoaster.
A recurring comment during this onslaught of the press is, “I can’t wait to read your memoir this fall!” Even though the subtitle for Dry Humping is A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without Booze, most people don’t see that until they’re holding the book. And since the book isn’t out yet, very few hands have actually held my paper baby. Except for The Rock, of course!
Fun Fact #1: Dry Humping actually began as a memoir! Long before my book had this iconic title. Long before I had an agent or a book deal. Long before I wrote my book proposal. I first tried to write a memoir about my experiences in sober dating and relationships. When I say I tried to write, I mean that I wrote hundreds of pages (chapters and book proposals) over several years. I workshopped those chapters, only to get defensive when classmates asked personal questions about the scenes I wrote. If you’ve never been in a writing workshop before, personal questions are 100% what your classmates should be asking if you’re writing a memoir. These questions are valuable feedback that helps the writing process. But I kept writing that memoir even though it didn’t feel right.
I pitched that memoir to a friend’s agent only to hear one of the worst rejections in my writing career to date: “You don’t have enough social media followers to get a book deal.” This stung. Bad. So bad that I shelved those chapters for over a year, feeling completely defeated. I’ve since learned that many agents want to work with writers because of the quality of their work, not solely based on their follower count.
Fun Fact #2: That agent now represents another friend who recently introduced us at a literary event. “This is Tawny! Her book about sober dating and relationships comes out this fall!” my friend told the agent. I smiled and shook her hand. I don’t know if she registered that I’m the person she spoke with a few years ago, but that moment sure felt good on my end.
I’m glad that memoir didn’t sell, and I’m glad I didn’t write a memoir after all. Instead, I spent another year figuring out what exactly my book would be. I knew I still wanted to write about sober sex, dating, and relationships, but from a wide variety of perspectives rather than just my own. So I put on my journalistic hat and did some research:
I combed through countless studies learning what alcohol actually does to our sexual bodies
I interviewed dozens of people of all different ages, ethnicities, and backgrounds about their experiences with sex and dating—drunk and sober. These folks are all across the gender spectrum, sexuality spectrum, and alcohol-use disorder spectrum. I even talked to people who still drink alcohol and are mindful of how their drinking habits impact their love lives.
I also interviewed doctors, biochemists, neurologists, mental health professionals, and sex therapists. I even interviewed Mary Sue Backus, Associate Dean of Students, for the University of Oklahoma, for my chapter on sexual PTSD. We discussed how intoxication complicates sexual assault trials, usually painting the woman as “asking for it.” Ted Mandell, a Notre Dame professor and documentary filmmaker, who created a course called Drunk on Film, gave me some great info about how liquid courage on-screen impacts all of us on a social level.
Once I pulled myself out of the story (and hired a writing coach!), the book proposal finally came together. I finally found my dream agent, who is just as obsessed with my book as I am, an incredible editor who truly shaped this book, and a great publishing house to bring my book to life. You’ll find that my story appears as the throughline of my book, but Dry Humping is far from The Tawny Story. I think of this book as everyone’s story… or at least a story for the millions of us who’ve struggled with alcohol abuse, body image or other issues that impact our sexual self-confidence, and relied on liquid courage to overcome it in the bedroom.
Fun Fact #3: I kept the research going since I turned Dry Humping into my editor last September. This surplus of new information is one of the many reasons I launched this newsletter!
Below are some exclusive screenshots of my book’s table of contents and a sneak peek of how I introduce sobriety and sexuality lingo throughout the book.
Table of Contents
Notice how the book takes you on the journey from dating yourself, to sober (curious) dating, to learning about what alcohol does to our sexual bodies, how to be sexual without booze, how to cope with a breakup without booze, and ultimately how to be in a committed relationship with great communication (notice there’s even a chapter about arguing!).
Modern Sobriety and Sexuality Lingo
As I wrote this book, I realized that much of the everyday jargon I use in my sober community and sex writer communities might need some explaining. Below are two examples of the pop-out glossary terms that live throughout the pages of my book, strategically placed to help you learn as you read.
Dry Humping in the News
Recent articles about all things mental health and relationships.
Vote for your favorite non-alcoholic drinks, influencers, and bars!
Khosrow Hassanzadeh, an artist often called the Iranian Warhol, died from alcohol poisoning. Read more about Iran’s alcohol ban and how many people die from bootleg liquor.
Clothing-optional therapy is a thing—and it’s more useful than you think!
Blake Lively and J. Lo face backlash for releasing boozy beverages even though Blake doesn’t drink and J.Lo's hubby (Ben Affleck, maybe you’ve heard of him?) doesn’t drink.
Polyamory is on the rise. A recent YouGov poll shows that ⅓ of Americans want an ethically non-monogamous (ENM) relationship.
Why Gen Z drinks less booze and what that means for the alcohol industry.
Did this issue teach you something new? Have questions about something covered in today’s newsletter? We’d love to hear from you!
You can now submit questions for future issues here. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Until next time,
P.S. This issue was edited by my fabulous podcast co-host, Lisa Smith.
👍great article this week 💗
I was suspicious of the "friend's-agent's" advice (so all published writers have massive social media followings?? Don't think so....), but not the picture of The Rock with your baby. Fell for it!